Understanding the Mind of a Covert Narcissist: Key Traits and Signs

The term “narcissist” gets thrown around quite a bit these days. We use it to describe people who seem a bit too self-absorbed or maybe someone who can’t stop bragging about themselves.

But did you know that narcissism is actually a diagnosable personality disorder? It’s true! About 10 percent of the population falls under this category.

And within the world of narcissism, there’s something called a “covert narcissist,” which is often overlooked even by professionals.

So, let’s dive into the traits of a covert narcissist and figure out how to spot one. These relationships can be incredibly damaging, and if you suspect you’re dealing with a covert narcissist, it’s vital to understand their mindset so you can protect yourself.

What Sets a Covert Narcissist Apart?

First, let’s clarify what distinguishes a covert narcissist from the more “overt” ones. Both types of narcissists tick the boxes in the DSM-5, the diagnostic manual that therapists and psychologists use to diagnose people.

They share the common traits like a lack of empathy, an inflated sense of entitlement, superficial relationships, and a penchant for using others for personal gain.

They also tend to have grandiose fantasies and resist acknowledging their flaws. But here’s the twist: covert narcissists are like the stealthy ninjas of narcissism.

They don’t parade their narcissism for the world to see. Instead, they keep it hidden, and this is where it gets tricky.

Unmasking the Covert Narcissist

1. The Fragile Charming Act: Covert narcissists often come across as sweet and insecure at first. They might seem like the nicest people you’ve ever met. They give you compliments that leave you puzzled, like a backhanded compliment that simultaneously boosts and undermines your self-esteem. Ever heard, “You look great today, considering how you looked the last time I saw you”? Yep, that’s the covert narcissist’s signature move. They’re masters at making you feel uneasy while appearing nice.

• Have you ever received a compliment that made you question yourself?

2. Subtle Self-Deprecation: Covert narcissists excel at self-deprecation, but there’s always an underlying message contradicting their humility. They want you to counter their self-deprecation with compliments. For instance, they might say, “I’m not much of a housekeeper, and I don’t have a great design sense,” when their home is immaculate, and they’ve hired a designer. They’re fishing for you to praise them.

• Have you encountered someone who seems overly self-deprecating but secretly craves compliments?

3. Public Image vs. Private Reality: This is where it gets really sneaky. Covert narcissists project a totally different image in public than what you know about them privately. They may claim, “I never gossip; I hate gossip,” in a group but engage in gossip behind closed doors. This double-faced behavior leaves you feeling isolated, questioning your perception.

• Have you ever observed someone behaving one way in public and another in private?

4. Hyper Jealousy and Bitter Envy: Covert narcissists are consumed by jealousy and envy but hide it well. They can’t stand it when others succeed or look better than them. This jealousy often extends to appearance, especially in female covert narcissists. They’ll downplay others’ achievements, making excuses for their own perceived failures.

• Have you ever encountered someone who couldn’t stand others’ success or who constantly compared themselves to others?

5. Sabotaging Others: Covert narcissists have a knack for sabotaging relationships and work environments. They’ll go to great lengths to undermine others, spreading lies or stealing credit for someone else’s work. If you notice someone doing this to others, be cautious; it might happen to you too.

• Have you ever felt like someone was trying to sabotage your relationships or work?

6. Dependence on Others: Covert narcissists often play the victim card, making excuses for their inability to manage their lives effectively. They’ll make you feel responsible for their problems, and if you’re empathetic, you’ll want to help them. But here’s the catch: they’re not grateful, and they rarely change their situation.

• Do you find yourself constantly helping someone who never seems to improve their situation?

7. Passive-Aggressive Communication: Covert narcissists are masters of passive-aggressive communication. They won’t directly express their needs or wants. Instead, they’ll drop hints, use sarcasm, or employ veiled criticism to manipulate you into doing what they want.

• Have you encountered someone who rarely communicates their needs directly, leaving you guessing their true intentions?

8. Faking Empathy: Covert narcissists are like actors on a stage when it comes to empathy. They’ll pretend to be compassionate, even crying at movies or showing affection to pets. But it’s all an act, a facade to manipulate those around them.

• Have you ever felt like someone was pretending to care deeply, only to realize it was all an act?

The Covert Narcissist’s Impact

Dealing with a covert narcissist can be incredibly challenging. Their behavior can leave you feeling confused, isolated, and questioning your own sanity.

They undermine your trust in not just them but often in humanity itself. The constant manipulation takes a toll on your self-esteem and overall well-being.

It’s crucial to recognize these signs early on and seek support if you suspect you’re dealing with a covert narcissist. You don’t have to go through it alone.

Dealing with Covert Narcissism

There’s plenty more to explore when it comes to covert narcissists. Here are some additional points:

Gaslighting and Manipulation: Covert narcissists are experts at gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation where they make you doubt your own reality. They might deny saying hurtful things, even if you have proof, and make you question your memory and sanity.

Love-Bombing: In the early stages of a relationship with a covert narcissist, they often engage in “love-bombing.” This involves showering you with excessive affection, compliments, and attention to win you over. Once they have you hooked, their behavior can change dramatically.

Triangulation: Covert narcissists often engage in triangulation, which means they involve a third party to create jealousy or competition. They may talk about how another person admires them or use this tactic to manipulate emotions.

Silent Treatment: When they’re not getting their way or when they feel slighted, covert narcissists may resort to giving you the silent treatment. This can be incredibly frustrating and emotionally draining.

Lack of Empathy for Others: In addition to their lack of empathy for you, covert narcissists often show a lack of empathy towards others as well. They may downplay or dismiss the feelings and needs of friends, family members, or coworkers.

Difficulty in Accepting Criticism: Covert narcissists have a tough time accepting any form of criticism. They may become defensive or passive-aggressive when confronted with their behavior. This can make open communication and conflict resolution challenging.

Projection: They are prone to projecting their own negative traits onto others. If they are dishonest, they might accuse you of lying. If they are controlling, they’ll accuse you of being controlling. This projection can be confusing and emotionally distressing.

Seeking Validation through Victimhood: Covert narcissists often play the victim card to garner sympathy and attention. They may constantly talk about how they’ve been wronged, how they do so much for others, and how no one appreciates them. This constant victimhood can be exhausting for those around them.

Setting Boundaries: Learning to set boundaries is crucial when dealing with covert narcissists. It’s essential to assertively communicate your limits and stick to them. Be prepared for resistance, but holding your ground is essential for your well-being.

Seeking Professional Help: If you find yourself in a relationship or situation with a covert narcissist that is causing you significant distress, consider seeking professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide guidance, support, and strategies for coping with the challenges posed by these individuals.